I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
