Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
