I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My bed smells like the plague
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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