I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
