I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You pole danced in your parka.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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