Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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