took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
