I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
