Little spoons don't ask big questions
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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