I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
