I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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