The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
