She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
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Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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