turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
