Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
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Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
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Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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