she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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