Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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