My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
