I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
