you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
