woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm at about main and main street
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
