awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
