i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
