i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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