Someone shit on the floor
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
