And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
