Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
