to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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