420 ftw
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
