This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
