you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
