I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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