You smell like a Billy Joel song
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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