Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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