there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
