I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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