help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
