It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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