My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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