I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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