Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
