Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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