I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
