I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
