I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
