those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
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