I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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