She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
