I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize