I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
