so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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