I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
