Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
