Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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