i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Randomize
