Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
