I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
