I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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