thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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