just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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