The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
