I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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